Because it feels good when you stop...

Why do we make an effort to do good things when most often than not, people end up misinterpreting it and it goes unappreciated? Thus, the title of my blog, "banging my head against the wall".

"I can never mean well"

"Then don't"

That's a conversation I recently had with my longtime partner when I tried to do a "pre-emptive" goodwill deed to benefit him and it backfired on me, as it does, most of the time.

I admit it. I'm a goody-goody. Always the overachiever of the family. The one who's never late in school, (except for one time because of my pesky brother) the one that always submits projects ahead of time or at the least on time, the one that always has an available ballpen when you need one. Yes, that's me.

I've always excelled in most of what I do. Part of my strategy is my pre-emptive approach on things where I make it a point to anticipate what others expect or may react and prepare or do things ahead of time. Doing research is also part of this approach that's why I've always excelled in school and work. As for my personal life, this strategy sucks.

Somehow life has a sadistic way of making good things go bad. People call it Murphy's Law, I call it life. Or is it just me?

Believe me when I say that I've sometimes wished that I could be like some people who are apathetic, made bad choices, bummed around and took life easy. I've always envied the way that people never expected anything from them. The fact that they were bums made people more forgiving of their actions or situation. Whereas I, on the other hand, is always expected to win and to be successful. Making me feel like the bad choices I've made in life is a sin against them.

"You know what's your problem? You're too hard on yourself."

My bestfriend/boss said to me one day when I told him I felt like I was loosing my working groove. He says that I was burning myself out by working too hard. I never thought working too hard was a bad thing until I got "working-block". He advised to me take a break whenever I feel uninspired, go shopping, watch a movie or simply bum around. I have that privilege anyway as a director of the company. So I took his advise, but I still work late to make up for lost time bumming around.

So why do I put myself into so much torture and predictable misery and end up banging my head against the wall? 'Cause it feels good when it stops and the wall finally crumbles and bends.